Author: Blue Gold originally written as “PJ”
Rating: NC 17
Pairings: Matt/Jeff, Matt/Stephanie, Jeff/Adam, Jeff/Gill, Jeff/Chris,
Warnings: Forced m/m, incest, consensual m/f, het, child abuse, suicide,
Summary: Jeff is his own worse enemy.
Disclaimer: I do not own Matt or Jeff Hardy or any other character mentioned within. They own themselves or are owned by the WWE
Jeff was sound asleep on his water bed. The battery in his alarm clock had just died five minutes before 6 and he didn’t hear the pounding on his room door. The door is kicked open and he’s dragged out of his bed by the hair. He’s fully awake when he gets dragged into the bathroom and thrown into the tub.
“You’re not making me late hurry up!”
Jeff stood, and looked around, he was gone. He peeled of the boxers he was wearing and turned on the tap. Good Morning to you too Matt. He showered quickly and then brushed. He went back into his room and looked at the dead alarm clock. He could have screamed. A stupid clock and now even breathing hurt. He put on some loose fitting clothes and grabbed his bag.
“Could you take any longer?” Is Jeff’s greeting as he enters his brother’s car. He doesn’t respond, any answer would get him smacked. He rested his head against the window. When had it gotten like this? Something just for Matt to beat on? And then there were the other things.
At some point he had fallen asleep to Matt’s pearl jam CD. They were at the arena. He climbed out of the car, Matt was gone. He hadn’t bothered to wake him up. Matt loved to do things at work, the second he was alone.
He reached into the back seat and grabbed his bag and winced, he still felt Matt’s wake up call. He shambled out of Matt’s car. He quickly walked into the arena, as usual people walked away from him. He wasn’t sure why, but he didn’t have very many friends in the WWF.
He walked past some doors and cringed. This arena had separate locker rooms. He found the one labeled Hardy. He went inside, Matt was sitting there unpacking his ring attire. He looked over at Jeff.
“I brought the stop watch,” the little color that was left drained from Jeff’s face. Matt’s new favorite pastime. To see how fast he could get it done, but at work? He wouldn’t, would he?
“Strip,” Jeff obeyed and Matt watched as he pulled off the white sweat shirt and the black sweat pants. And he pulled off the blue and white checkered boxers. “On your knees!” Matt said hoarsely his hands already on the bulge in the front of his pants. He stood and locked the door.
Jeff heard the tale tell click of the stop watch and a few seconds later was Matt thrusting violently into him. He bit back his scream as his brothers rock hard cock tore a hole in his insides. Both hands were curled into tight fists as he lowered his head. Matt pulling his head back up by the hair snapped him into reality. This time he couldn’t hold back the scream and the blow to his head that followed dizzied him.
All Jeff seemed to be able to hear was the sound of the stopwatch. He didn’t hear Matt’s groans as he pounded harder and harder. The slapping sound their bodies made or even his own ragged breaths. Jeff could feel something running down his leg. He was bleeding again.
Then with one final thrust Matt came. Jeff’s entire body shook as his brother slumped on top of him. The coarseness of his shirt rubbing against Jeff’s back, he stopped the timer.
“2:41:32″ Jeff was still lying on the floor and Matt had already zipped up his pants. Matt didn’t take his clothes off anymore. Jeff didn’t move, and the next sound he registered was the door closing. Jeff reached for his boxers . . .
“Matt, I need to talk to Jeff.”
Matt turned and looked directly into those big blue eyes. He smiled and he pointed to the door. “I’d give him a minute, beautiful.”
“Thanks, Matt you’re so sweet.”
“I only speak the truth,” He said still smiling. She laughed and those monstrosities on her chest heaved. Well they weren’t all bad, if she didn’t have that voice or that hair maybe. That and screwing the boss’s daughter wasn’t the best thing in the world. He walked away.
Stephanie ignores Matt’s request and slowly pushes open the door. Jeff stood with his back to her stark naked. His back was a mix of bruises and red marks around his hips where it looked like somebody had been holding the pale skin too tightly. He had a towel and was wiping blood off the back of his leg. She quickly pulls the door shut and takes a deep breath . . .
Jeff was covered in fresh bruises and bleeding. What was he doing to himself and why did Matt let him? Didn’t Matt take care of his brother? Matt had just been in there with him . . . couldn’t he stop Jeff from hurting himself?
She pushed open the door, this time Jeff heard. He turned and pulled on a pair of boxers. Stephanie ignored the urge to look down and see how equipped he was. He saw it was her and his cheeks flushed pink.
“Hi,” he whispered looking around him. He grabbed his sweat pants and pulled those on too.
“Jeff,” How on earth was she going to say this? The boy looked fragile, so pale and he looked thin. And then you would look at Matt, now there was a man, every inch of him was perfect and he was a sweet heart to boot. Now there was a guy she wished would stop looking at her like she was some little girl or something.
Jeff was looking at her waiting. He had pulled on the sweatshirt that was better, if she didn’t see the bruises it was easier to say this . . . some one had to say it . . .
“Jeff, what are you doing to yourself?” He looked at her genuinely confused. “I saw the blood and the bruises, how can you live like that?”
“I’m a wrestler; bruises are the least of our problems.” He said sitting down slowly and looking at the wall.
“Jeff, you haven’t wrestled in over two weeks. Does Matt know what you’re doing to yourself?” Jeff’s shoulders sagged. He didn’t turn to look at her so she walked around to face him. There were tears in his eyes, and he looked away again. “Don’t you know how much he loves you? It would probably kill him to see you like this.”
When Jeff looked at her Stephanie could have died. Jeff was crying freely now, and he looked so sad, but still he didn’t answer. He put his face in his hands, the silently crying was driving her nuts. She decided she would get Matt maybe he would be able to get Jeff to respond.
She found him leaning against a wall talking to Adam. They were both laughing and she felt bad interrupting. She stayed back for a minute. She got her fill of Matt in his blue jeans and, and black shirt. Adam looked good too, in black jeans and a white short sleeved buttoned down shirt, but he was so simple. Not dumb really but sort of childish, like he was still in high school or something.
“Hey Steph,” Matt says noticing her. She walked over, to him and turned to Adam. “Could you excuse us?”
“Okay,” he said smiling, practically skipping away. Stephanie watched him go and shrugged.
“So what is it, gorgeous?” His brown eyes twinkled, and she found it hard to speak. Couldn’t he stop saying things like that to her?
“I . . . um . . . you . . .” She stammered. God she was probably blushing by now. Matt leaned over and whispered in her ears.
“Some place a little more private?” She nodded. He lead her to a closet of some sort. Before she could say anything he kissed her hard on the lips.
He was an aggressive kisser and she loved it. Pleasure and pain mixed so close together his fingers were tangled in her hair. Holding it a little too tightly but she didn’t care this was heaven his tongue slipping in and out teasing her own. Finally they had to breath, she wanted his lips again. But he tortured her instead, he kissed her on the forehead.
She frowned. She wanted him now but he was already opening the door. And in that instant she remembered why she had come. “Matt, wait.”
“Sweetie, really now in a closet?” A closet? A toilet? She didn’t care she wanted him but that wasn’t what she was going to say. “No its not that. Its Jeff, I left him crying in your locker room I thought you could help him, he had a lot of bruises too. Matt I think he’s hurting himself.” He turned to her a look of concern on his face.
“I’ll go check on him.”
“Okay, and Matt? My dressing room is much better than a closet.” He smiled and gave her a rough kiss on the lips then walked away.
Stephanie felt good, she had just gotten Matt and hopefully gotten Jeff the help he needed. Matt couldn’t believe it. Stephanie apparently wanted him, but what the hell was Jeff doing.
He pushed open the door to the locker room, Jeff was unpacking the freak show he called clothes. He didn’t look up, Matt pulled him to his feet and threw him against the wall and started choking him with a forearm as he pinned him to the wall.
“Did big brother make you cry?”
Stephanie walked back towards the Hardy’s locker room. She wanted to know what was going on. The door was slightly ajar and she saw Matt choking the life out of Jeff. Jeff’s eyes were closed and for a second Stephanie thought he had passed out, but then Matt hissed something and Jeff nodded. It was then Matt let go and Jeff slumped to the floor.
Stephanie quickly backed away from the door and made it halfway down the hall. She saw Matt walk out and go the other way and she went into their dressing room. Jeff was still sitting in the floor. He was resting his head against the wall, as he tried to catch his breath. With some effort she kneeled next to him the tiny skirt covering very little in this position.
“Jeff, I’m so sorry. I didn’t know. I thought . . .” Great now she was going to cry. “How can he do that to you?”
Jeff sighed. How could Matt do that to me? Simple I let him, now nothing I do will stop him. His brother was always bigger always stronger. His mind drifted back to when he was younger, when all he wanted to do was be like Matt. His smart big brother, everyone liked him.
Stephanie’s mind was racing and all of a sudden it put two and two together. Jeff standing naked and bleeding from behind. Matt’s abusive nature. “Dear God . . .” She whispered, Matt was raping him. Now she knew she was crying. Jeff looked at her and was surprised to see her crying. He handed her a tissue.
“Are you okay?” Jeff asks in his usual whisper. Stephanie nodded, she had to be the world’s biggest idiot. Well no one else noticed. But now that she thought of it, it all made sense. The way Jeff was so quiet, and horribly shy. Why he never had a girlfriend. The way Matt dominated him . . .
* * * * *
Stephanie had planned to meet Jeff in his hotel room after the show. She told him she had a plan, he was skeptical. How could he get away from Matt his tag team partner, and brother. But he was willing to listen. She knocked on his room door, he opened it green hair in his eyes. He stepped aside to let her in.
“So . . .”
“You’re going to be having a lot of single matches, and Matt will be on heat or something. Then when I get back on the show, you can come to Smack Down, then you’ll have completely different schedules.”
Jeff could have kissed her. He would finally get his life back, how could it be so simple? He could breathe again, he leaned back on the bed.
“I don’t know what to say . . .”
“It was easy Daddy will give me anything.” She said looking at him lying there. For such a strong guy he seemed so weak, he had given up trying to get away from Matt. He seemed to have given up on life. What would the girls who adored him say about this. Jeff Hardy a prisoner of his own fear.
“Jeff have you ever had a girlfriend?”
“Um, yeah, it didn’t work out,” He whispered. Matt had beat him within an inch of his life and told him in no uncertain terms that he was his property, and he would let him know when he could have a girlfriend. Jeff sighed, what was he supposed to say this was the closest he had been to a girl in years? That he had practically forgotten sex could be a good thing. That it didn’t have to hurt so much and leave him ashamed to show his face in public. He always felt people could see it, so he started giving them reasons to give him strange looks. No they didn’t know it was just the bright blue hair or whatever color it was that week.
“Jeff you still in there?” Stephanie’s voice brought him back, he didn’t care what Matt said he liked her voice. And her hair crimpy or straight. She had thought she was beautiful before she lost the weight, now she was heavenly. An angel sent down to save him. He told her as much.
“I think my halo needs a good polishing then. And a pair of glasses.” Jeff laughed, something else he hadn’t done in a long time. Stephanie watched him laugh. It seemed like a thousand years had just washed away from him. She could understand why all the girls swooned for him, that smile was spectacular. She did what she did next before she could think about it. She kissed him, a little light tonsil hockey. He responded like a person dying of thirst given an ice cold drink.
He was fearful, like he was in a dream and any sharp move could end it. But at least he responded. There was still a man buried inside Jeff Hardy . . .
He looked so scared so uncertain, but there was no turning back. Sitting there on the bed, nicely naked as she took her time taking off her clothes. He was already getting hard, she cast aside her new bra, pink lace and a cup larger then given to her by nature. She climbed on to the bed and put a hand around Jeff’s erection. He jumped, he was way too jittery. There was very little chance that she would get what she wanted at this rate . . .
She licked the tip, tasting the salty precum. She looked up at Jeff and he looked completely horrified. She couldn’t do this to him. At this rate she’d feel like the rapist in the morning. She pulled away suddenly very aware of her own nakedness and crossed her arms over her chest. She frowned slightly and Jeff practically flew out of the bed into the bathroom.
She gave him a few minutes before she went in after him. He was standing at the sink gripping the sides so tightly his knuckles matched the porcelain, his face was an eerie blank, and she took hold of one of his hands.
“Come on . . . we can just sleep it doesn’t matter.” They climb into bed and Jeff holds, Stephanie who’s sure it should be the other way around. She pushed back into him, he was still hard and he let out a groan. She shifted again, another groan. Well then, she thought. A girls gotta do what a girls gotta do. She rubbed against him back and forth and he came, spraying her ass and thighs in his warm cum.
She looked up at Jeff his eyes were closed and he looked very relaxed. She leaned back, he was still Hard! “Jeff?” he responded by putting a hand on her extremely sensitive nipple. He squeezed it and it hardened in his hand and Stephanie sighed. He lowered his head and kissed her shoulder, he sent electricity into her body.
He climbed on top of her with one thought swirling through his head like a mantra. I don’t want to do this, I don’t want to do this, I don’t want to do this. He didn’t really understand it. He thought she was wonderful and beautiful but the idea made him retch. He closed his eyes and pictured himself a million miles away as he entered her and thrusted back and forth barely hearing her initial shriek or the moans that followed.
This . . . was . . .this was . . . it was a large piece of crap. She had had bad sex before but this sucked on a whole new level, for pete’s sake she had screwed Andrew. Losing her virginity hadn’t been this bad. Even though she hadn’t noticed at the time. Why didn’t he just shove a pencil in her? A very thick pencil, size really didn’t matter if the guy was too afraid to do anything. She looked up at Jeff, good his eyes were closed. Well he didn’t really need to know a 14 year old virgin was better then him, okay a few well placed moans and this would be done with . . .
Jeff inhaled deeply at least someone was enjoying this. He was pretty sure now that he liked boys. Matt or no Matt, this just didn’t feel right. Hell he wasn’t even sure of he was doing it right, he started moving faster and Stephanie shrieked again. That was a good sign, he hoped . . .
* * * * *
Jeff was walking the halls of the arena, whistling to himself. He had actually not seen Matt in weeks. And after the strangeness of that first night he and Stephanie were doing really well. Jeff was taken by surprise when a set of strong arms pull him into the room being used to cut promos.
“Hi Jeffie,” Matt said as he threw him face down against a table. Jeff did something he usually wouldn’t he fought back. He elbows Matt in the face and his brother is thrown back in surprise. He almost knocks into a camera. Matt takes his head and slams it into the table and disorients him long enough for Matt to pull down his pants and boxers . . .
“Did you forget who was in charge? You think fucking Stephanie will get rid of me? This story switch?” Matt unzipped his fly, “Time to remind you about your place.”
Elsewhere . . .
“So, ready to test the automated system?”
“Yeah fire it up all the camera’s are in place.” All the tiny TV monitors go on showing different angles on the ring. The backstage area even the locker rooms.
“Hey what’s that?” John asks pointing to a shadowy camera shot. He press a few buttons, and the scene is expanded on 6 TVs and a little light shines from the camera.
“Shit! How do you get sound on this thing?!” Craig presses a button and they have audio.
” . . .hurt bitch? Remember I own you!”
“Damn that’s Matt!”
“Who’s the girl?”
“Can’t see past Matt’s fat ass.”
“You ever try anything like that again and I’ll kill you.” Matt came and he gave Jeff a few last thrusts to prove his point. He ruled his baby brother and no girl was going to change that. He zipped up and walked out like Jeff wasn’t there. Jeff is left alone in the dark room. He pulls up his pants and stands, his back is still to the camera as he pivots dizzy. He sinks to the floor and the camera catches a shot of his profile as he sits.
“I didn’t see that,” he presses more buttons and the camera lowers. There is no denying the face belongs to Jeff Hardy. “I’m gonna be sick.”
“Fags? Jeff I can see but Matt?” Craig is still watching as Jeff pulls out a Swiss Army Knife. He slides it from hand to hand bouncing it like he’s testing out the weight. Craig isn’t sure where this is going but doesn’t like the grim expression on Jeff’s face.
Jeff looks at the Knife he always carries. Matt had given it to him when he was younger and they were still just brothers. He opened it to the sharpest knife. He felt tears stinging his eyes. He wiped them with the back of his hand. He couldn’t be weak now.
“I’m sorry. I can’t take it anymore. I’m sorry I couldn’t be stronger, I couldn’t make him stop. I’m sorry I didn’t always know I should. I wish it was different. I remember when he gave me this knife you know? You yelled at him and said it was dangerous, he told you he’d always protect me. . .”
“Who is he talking to?”
“But I’m not sorry about this. And at least I’ll get to be with you right? So its okay, nobody will miss me. Well maybe Stephanie but she’s nice and pretty she doesn’t need me. No one likes me here anyway, it was hard pretending I didn’t notice or care. At least you love me. Will I know you when I see you? You know I can’ really remember you any more, except from the pictures. I love you mom . . .”
“Isn’t she . . .”
“So that would mean . . .”
“Run!” On their mad dash they grab Stephanie and enter the promo room. Jeff was about to step out. Stephanie hugs Jeff as he stands there so confused he doesn’t return it. He recognizes the guys as workers from the trailer outside that did things with the camera’s but what did they want and why was Stephanie crying.
“You don’t have to do this . . .”
“How did you . . .” One of the guys pointed to the camera and Jeff reddened. “Doesn’t matter, I have too. There’s no other way.”
“Jeff suicide is never the answer.”
“No it never is, which is why I’m returning Matt’s knife to him the hard way.”
“But the way you were talking . . .” John says.
“Why does everyone think I live outside reality? I know I’ll go to jail and get the chair or whatever. I might at well be killing myself. If I could do this another way I’d keep living my life, but don’t see that happening. Unless you know somewhere where killin you brother is legal.”
“No where is rape legal,” Stephanie says and Jeff pulls away from her.
“You know there is another way,” Craig starts.
“You wouldn’t believe what is legal in the south,” Jeff says sarcastically.
“Who needs the cops when you have the WWF? Matt loves this place right?”
“Its his life.”
“Why don’t you take this life from him then? And it is legal.” John says.
* * * * *
The entire roster was gathered in the still empty arena. Vince and Stephanie were sitting in chairs in the ring as he looked impatiently at his daughter. She refused to tell him what this was about and Vince had tried to figure it out from his talent but they all also looked confused.
As he was about to turn to ask his daughter yet again what was going on, the Hardy Boyz entrance music started. Vince turned to Matt and Jeff. Mat looked surprised and Jeff had an expression that danced between fear and anger. He was still looking at the brothers when he heard something that snapped his attention to the Tron.
“. . . Fucking Stephanie . . .” Vince looked at his daughter who indicated that wasn’t important and to keep watching. He watched confused, then horrified when he realized it was Jeff. The show stopped about halfway through Jeff’s monologue. Vince turned back to the Hardyz. Matt looked like a fish his mouth opening and closing not sure what exactly to say. Jeff was just looking at the floor.
“I can . . .I can explain,” Matt stammers standing and walking towards Vince. “It’s not what you think. Its . . .Jeff! He wanted this! Look at him, does he look like a straight man? He’s the weirdo, he’s the freak, even in the beginning . . .”
“I was 11!” Jeff screams and The place is sent into an uproar. Vince stands and Stephanie stops him. She walks over to Matt.
“You’re fired!” She shrieked in the inhuman way only she could. “Boys!” A few cops walk in and take Matt away screaming. Stephanie takes Jeff into the ring and starts talking to her father. She doesn’t notice Jeff looking off sadly in the direction Matt was carted off to. Vince points it out to his daughter.
“Jeff, what’s wrong?”
“He’ll be back.” Jeff says as he hears screaming. The guys had started screaming his name. They sounded oddly like Stephanie. A whole group of Stephanie and why did they sound so scared? The sharp kick into his ribs finally wakes him and he opens his eyes. Matt was standing over him, and Stephanie was in the bed covered in the cheap sheet screaming his name and crying. He looks over at Matt and gets a kick in the face. He hears a crunching sound, Matt had broken his nose. The blood was already gushing. Matt lifted him to his feet by the hair, and he was vaguely aware he was naked.
Matt yanked his head back. “What did I tell you? I told you she was mine, what lies did you tell her little brother?” Jeff slumped in Matt’s hold losing some hair as he blacked out. Matt threw him aside lifelessly and he landed on a odd angle on his right arm. He pulled out his cell phone and while grinning he made all the proper hysterical noises into the phone to 911. He looked at Stephanie who was still crying torn between going to Jeff and afraid that Matt would hit her or Jeff more. As if he was reading her mind he gave Jeff one more kick for good measure.
The Emt’s arrived and Matt made a story up about Stephanie having a jealous boyfriend who had taken his poor brother by surprise. Stephanie barely even heard him watching from her frozen position on the bed. She stared at the spot Jeff had been lying and felt like it was all her fault. She had ordered them breakfast so when Matt came to the door she had just pulled it open. He had given her one look pushed past her and dragged Jeff out of bed and commenced the pummeling.
* * * * *
Jeff woke in the hospital, pain wasn’t the name for what he was feeling. Agony seemed too nice. He must have broken some ribs, it couldn’t be this painful to breathe otherwise. He lifted his hand to touch his face. His nose was broken, the fact that he couldn’t even feel it through all the bandages and stuff on his face told him that it had to be bad. There was a dull throbbing in his right arm which was in a cast over his chest. Matt really had done a number on him this time. One of his eyes was swollen shut and everything he saw danced and sometimes had a double.
“I see we’re awake,” a white haired doctor said. “And how are we feeling?” Jeff ignored the question, Matt had broken him right in front of Stephanie, beating him like a rag doll.
“What else is broken?”
“Your right arm is broken in two places, you have three cracked ribs, and a broken nose. But what worries me are your internal injuries.”
“Young man you have a punctured lung, and you were suffering from internal bleeding. Oh and you lost two teeth.” Jeff ran his tongue around his mouth and sure enough there were a few gaps. Great he was Chris Beniot.
“Cuts and bruises,” the doctor’s pager goes off. He looks at it and looks at Jeff. He walks out for less then a second and continues his little speech. The doctor’s beeper went off and he stepped out of the room for a second, he reentered the room and talks like he never left. “You should pick your lovers more carefully.”
“Your brother explained it all to us. How you met a girl and you took her back to your room and her jealous boyfriend found you two in a compromising position and got the better of you. Its all right we all make mistakes, hopefully you’ll be able to walk away a little easier from the next one.” Jeff clamped his mouth shut to keep from screaming the truth. Matt had even won his doctors over. this was why he didn’t bother trying to tell people. He had tried to tell his father once and had gotten locked in the shed for three days for making such a disgusting lie up about his brother.
Even Stephanie had only believed him because she saw it first hand. Man if only that dream had been real. But he knew he’d never be able to kill Matt or his career. He had a feeling the reality would be everyone on Matt’s side as usual. He closed his one good eye as the doctor walked out, and his nightmare walked in.
“Hey Jeffie.” His one good eye snapped open as he looked at Matt. “I told them to keep that tramp out of here, it her fault anyway. So they decided to limit it to family. Its just you and me.” Matt said tapping his hand on Jeff’s injured ribs. “Did that hurt? But really Jeff, I explained it all to you before. You’re my toy, no one else’s, I don’t like to share.”
Jeff didn’t respond. What would he say to this anyway? Hey brother, did you know that when you were trying to kill me I was in the middle of a nice dream where I destroyed your life. He couldn’t go anywhere, so he listened to Matt rant about how he would take care of his injured brother, maybe take some time off. Jeff silently started to cry. He couldn’t help it, this was what his life would always be. Now he was an at Matt’s mercy completely for what could be months. He closed his eyes and swore he heard the faint yet steady ticking of the stopwatch.
Jeff was back at work he could have cried. The last few months. . . hell is where the home is he thought absently placing his bag on the shelf. He pulled it back down, forgot what he wanted and repeated the process two more times. Twenty minutes passed in this fashion and he didn’t even notice.
“Jeff man you okay?” Adam asks and was poked in the ribs by Chris. He had recently been pounded in the ribs and he shrieked in pain. He stormed out of the room in a huff and Chris laughed. Jeff looked around, at the people in the room and it calmed him immensely that they were all blond. Jason seemed intent on getting Andrew to look at something in a magazine and that new kid, wasn’t he a Chris too, was talking to Regal all excited.
Mark and Matt walked in and Jeff felt it was a good time to go for a walk. He walked right into Stephanie McMahon who was wearing a lot of clothes at least for her. He blinked as she looked up at him. She didn’t lose her cool for an instant.
“How you feeling? That was one hell of a fall.”
“Fall? I don’t . . .” Stephanie waved her hand to signal it wasn’t important.
“So are you okay with everything? I know it’s a lot to take in and all on your first day.”
“So, I’m gonna be on your show?” Stephanie looked perplexed.
“Jeff, you’re staying on Raw, Matt’s the one jumping ship. He’s coming with me, we. . . we’re together now.”
Jeff stared in dumb shock. She was with Matt? What on earth was she thinking? After everything he did. All she saw and now she was with him? “Ma . . .Ma . . .Matt?!”
“He didn’t tell you? It started a few weeks ago when he came back, we’re both really happy.”
Jeff’s mind swirled. He closed his eyes, when he opened them he was still sitting on the bench. That had been one crazy daydream. For a second he almost believed it. But Stephanie would never do that. She didn’t even know about how he felt that night. How he felt now about boys. Matt had kept her away but no more. He got up intending to find Stephanie. He walked into her just as he stepped out. Dressed in a pale blue tank and a tiny black leather skirt. He should of know he was imagining it before. She would never wear the outfit he had seen her in that was more her mother’s style.
“Jeff! Oh my God I’m so sorry but he made it so I couldn’t come near you.”
“It’s okay I understand.” Jeff said purposely crossing his arms so she wouldn’t hug him.
“About us . . . well after what happened, I don’t think we . . .”
“I don’t want Matt to hurt you, so . . .” Jeff says and Stephanie nods in agreement. He retreats into the locker room to avoid anymore conversation.
* * * * *
Matt’s match had been much earlier than Jeff’s so when Jeff walked into the locker his brother was ready to go. But Jeff wanted to get out of the glow in the dark body paint. Matt looked him over and shakes his head. “I’ll bring the car around make it fast.”
Jeff nodded peeling off his clothes as he walked to the shower. He didn’t notice the one other occupant of the locker room as he heard the first pop of the main event. He closed his eyes and let the paint run off his body for a while before picking up the soap.
“Pretty boy,” A voice hissed and Jeff’s head snapped up. He looked around and decided he was just exhausted. “Slut.” He was sure he heard that and whirled.
“Pretty little slut Jeff.” The same voice hissed. He turned and was face to face with Chris Jericho. “The boys have missed you. You know I never got a chance with you. Its cause I’m blond I know, you have a taste for dark hair.”
“What are you . . .” Chris strokes Jeff’s cheek lightly and he pulls away and Chris smacks him. it was then Jeff noticed Chris was naked and sporting a monstrous erection. His confusion quickly turned to fear, as he backed into the shower wall, hitting the switch and spraying them both with cold water.
“Its gonna take a lot more then a cold shower Jeff,” Chris said smiling. “You’ll do anyone. Don’t you think its my turn?”
“Get away from me . . . Matt,” He had to come this couldn’t possibly happen to him.
“Sorry Jeff, Matt’s busy. Besides I don’t like to share.” Jeff ran. He made it back to the dressing area and pulled his boxers on as he pulled at the door. He pulled and pulled and Chris caught up to him pulling him back as he laughed. “Push, Jeffery, push, a little too much hair dye eh?”
Chris had an arm around Jeff’s neck and one around his waist. Each time the younger man kicked or struggled he tightened his hold. He dropped Jeff to the floor gasping, landing on all fours he curled into a fetal position. Chris laughed more as he pulled Jeff and threw him facedown on the bench. He quickly kneels behind him and shoves in quickly not able to wait a moment longer. His moan of pleasure is drowned out by Jeff’s shriek of pain which echoes off the wall.
“So tight . . .” Chris moaned and then started to move amid Jeff’s whimpers and shrieks of pure pain. Chris was in ecstasy and every scream Jeff made enticed him all the more. He moaned as he pounded harder and Jeff’s screams turned into dry sobs. Jeff wanted to pass out. How was it every time he turned around his life got worse? What was the point? Chris was an afterthought, it was always this way with them all.
Jeff experienced a moment of clarity where everything made sense. Where the things Chris had told him had where he knew who they all were. Then it was gone, like it was never there. He was completely silent as the last few minutes of Chris’ abuse passed. The Canadian came and pulled out of Jeff, slapping his cheek a little.
“That was fun we should do it again sometime,” Chris says grinning as he walked over to where he threw his duffel bag and clothes.
Jeff didn’t move until he was gone. Then he opened his duffel bag he rifled through it and found what he was looking for. A few quick flicks and the plastic was gone. He held the exposed razor gently. He started to think about it again. What did he have to live for? As if on queue, the audience shrieks. The fans? That was a laugh, the guys thought he was gay, wait he was at least he thought he was. The girls? Their giggling made his skin crawl.
The door opened, and Matt stepped in grinning wildly. Jeff didn’t notice the tattered mess his clothes were in, the faint stains of lipstick on his face. All he saw was the smile of a mad man. He slashed both wrists without a second thought. Matt barely registered what Jeff did as the blood started flowing freely.
“Jeff! Dear God! Jeff, why?” Matt says kneeling next to his brother. He pulled off his shirt and tried to stop the impossible blood flow. Jeff had gone slack and Matt knew enough to know his body had gone into shock. He fought harder with the blood and was fighting a losing battle as Adam and Dwayne walked in.
“Matt? That’s incest!” Dwayne smacked Adam on the head.
“Get an ambulance!” Adam nodded and ran out as Brock, Paul and Eddie walked in. They surveyed the scene and their jaws dropped. They knew Jeff was a little odd, sometimes talking to himself, and the willing slut. They all kept Matt in the dark, as for Jeff he lived in the dark. Eddie and Paul exchanged a look, as the EMT’s came in and started to work on trying to save the life of someone who was so determined to end it.
Jeff was 11 again. Matt was at Shane’s house for a party. Since there were going to be girls there he wasn’t invited. Like he wanted to go to the stupid party anyway. Dad was on the couch drinking a beer. There were at least six cans on the floor. Jeff understood now, two more and he’d sleep. He’d wake up the next day grumpy. Jeff pictured the cans as snakes he had to save his father from and bravely approached the one on the end, careful not to let the dripping poison to touch him. He safely got the first snake to its trash cave.
Around the third can Jeff was bored of his new game, the cans became cans again. His dad was looking at him through beer drenched eyes. He downed the last of the beer in his can. He reached for another and didn’t find one. He looked at Jeff again and saw a small blond haired blur and was vaguely aware it was his son. He motioned for him to sit in his lap and Jeff obeyed.
Jeff looked up at his face and he looked big and strong and he had Matt’s hair. Black and sort of curly. They even had the same hair cut right now. But dad was nicer, he would take Jeff anywhere and wouldn’t leave him for a stupid girl party. Maybe he could break one of Matt’s records, that would teach him.
Jeff was an antsy child that was never able to sit still which was usually why his father would just get up and act as if he suddenly had work to do. This time all Jeff’s movement went straight to his groin. He got hard fast, and undid his belt quickly. Jeff wasn’t paying any attention as his father wondered what exactly he was going to do.
The next move Jeff made, answered his question. “Jeff take off your pants.” He looked at his father then climbed out of his lap and obeyed. His father pulled him back into his lap after he pulled his own pants down. Jeff looked at his erection surprised and confused. He tried to sit as far away from it as possible while remaining on his father.
Gil lifted Jeff then positioned himself at his son’s tiny entrance. “Dad?” He asked as he was slowly lowered on his father. Jeff shrieked in pain. “Daddy! It hurts.” Jeff wailed as he started to cry. His father bounced him up and down, surprised about how wonderful the feeling was. The tight heat the way it closed around his erection as he moved Jeff up and down. He was too lost in his pleasure to even hear Jeff’s crying. If anything the way the sobs shook his body, increased his pleasure.
When he came he was exhausted. He pulled out of Jeff and in a few seconds was snoring. Jeff ran leaving his pants on the floor into the bathroom. The urge to go was terrible and it hurt so much. He sat there for a while but besides some sticky white stuff nothing came out. He climbed into the tub to get the stuff off.
He fell asleep with his head at the side of the tub which was the only reason he didn’t die right there. He flooded the bathroom and it had started going out into the hall when Matt came home he opened the bathroom door. He saw Jeff and thought the worse.
” . . . saw you lying in the tub like that. I never thought I could feel that bad again. I didn’t even care that you wouldn’t talk to me. I was just happy that you didn’t die of pneumonia. You were in the hospital so long, Jeff. What was so bad? Why do you hate me so much? I don’t understand it, every day I tried to help you, you’d let me but you were so scared. Jeff I’m so sorry . . .” Jeff peeked at Matt and quickly closed his eyes. He takes a deep breath.
How dare he ask such a question? Why would he want to die? Well everyone was right. He couldn’t do anything right. Not even die.
Doctors came and went. He was assigned a shrink. He had never met someone so blunt in his life. She had curly red hair and cat eye glasses and the first words out of her mouth were; ‘who raped you?’
“When you were brought in you were bleeding from three places. Each wrist and the ass,” She said matter of factly. “The only way I can help you is to know what I’m dealing with.”
“Which time?” Jeff said pissed at her mightier then thou attitude. That was two months ago he still hadn’t said anything to shock her as much as that. Today was the day, she said he was repressing something and she was going to put him under. He took to the hypnotism well. In minutes he told the story of his father, and how he kept coming. When he was drunk and sometimes when he wasn’t. She brought him out.
“Do you remember what you said?”
“How Matt . . .”
“Matt? Jeff does Matt look like your father?”
“Um, yeah they have the same hair and brown eyes and when dad was younger he was built like Matt.”
“Jeff, how do you feel about your father?”
“He’s great. Nothing like Matt. he’d never do something like that to me. Then act like nothing was wrong. He loves me.” Jeff’s Psychiatrist got really quite then wrote things down quickly in her notebook. Jeff waited and waited and waited some more. “You know those pills I gave you?” Jeff nodded. “Throw them out.”
“Does this mean I’m better?”
“No it just means they do nothing which you need.” She scribbles a new prescription and hands it to Jeff. She couldn’t believe it. Two months in her care and she had never noticed it! Schizophrenia and displacement all rolled into one. He saw things, and blamed everything on his brother. Now that she finally knew the problem maybe she could help him.
When Jeff walked in for his next session, his brother was sitting there. He almost ran out but she blocked his path. “Sit.” He did as far as possible from Matt. “Jeff, tell Matt what you told me.”
“Why? He’ll just laugh.”
“Laugh at what Jeff?” Matt asks.
“Jeff, tell him. He’s not going anywhere.” Jeff breathed deeply stared directly at his shoes and started speaking in a barely audible whisper. “Je . . .” Matt raised his hand to stop her.
“I can hear him just fine, I got used to it.”
Matt listened in shock, then horror and complete disbelief. What on earth was his brother babbling about. He had never touched Jeff like that. He never would, why would he say something like that? “Jeff, I . . .” The doctor stopped him and put Jeff under. He repeated the story with the important change. Matt had thought he was horrified before. “Is it . . .”
“True? Yes, Jeff was abused as a child. For whatever reason he couldn’t deal with it being his father, his mind had to change it for him. With the anger he was feeling towards you that day and the resemblance to your father, you were a good target. Every time Jeff experienced stress or was put in a situation he didn’t like his mind found a way to blame it on you. Do you know that day he fell off the roof he’s quite sure you beat him bloody for finding him in bed with a girl.”
“Matt do you know about you’re brother’s lifestyle?” Matt shakes his head. “He recently came to the conclusion that he’s gay. But the real problem is that it seems his employees have taken advantage of him. To them he has no memory of the rapes, except the last one. I believe try as he might the blond hair broke his focus and he saw what was really happening to him.”
Matt was close to tears. He looked at his brother who was still lying there half asleep. The doctor turned to him and brought him out this time knowing what he said. He started crying and didn’t stop. He didn’t know which was worse learning the truth or knowing what he did to his brother. Matt was no monster he was.
* * * * *
A year after a horrifying combination of drugs, therapy session and revelations, (i.e. Jeff had created another Stephanie in his mind to be his hero) Jeff was pronounced fit enough to lead a normal life.
“Jeff, are you sure you want to come back to work?”
“Matt it was the only real thing I had. It made me happy I want that again.”
Jeff of course was easily absorbed back into the WWF and the real reason for his disappearance never discussed. He had been back two weeks when a blond Canadian takes a seat next to him. “Hey.”
“Hey Adam,” Jeff smiled he was the first person to talk to him.
“I know some of the guys have been saying to stay away from you cause you’re crazy and could get us fired like you did Chris.” Jeff could have laughed. Adam never did know when to shut up. “But I wanted to tell you this, maybe if I told you before . . . anyway. I don’t know if you’re like me, but I like you.”
“I don’t understand. We’ve never really talked.”
“Do you know how hard it is to talk to some one you have a crush on? Someone who used to hate blonds?”
“I didn’t hate blonds, it was just easier if they had dark hair . . . wait you have a crush on me?” Jeff asks in disbelief.
“Yeah,” Adam says blushing.
Matt walked in then. He saw his brother and Adam and wondered what this was. Adam was blushing, that guy was too thick to blush. Jeff looked up at him, and smiled. The grin that spread across Adam’s face could mean only one thing. Matt smiled and left the two lovebirds to themselves.